Ego Crisis
by Engineer Jess
Summary: Zurg zaps Buzz with an evil ray that turns him to an over-egoistic goof. The plan is to make Lightyear leave Star Command and thus throw it defenceless. (This has nothing to do with my other stories.)
1. Buzz' crisis

_Author's notes_: This is sort of a weird "groupfic", aka gathered up from the ideas of me, Lightyearsgirl, Captain Buzz Lightyear and EMZ. Only that it was the worst grammar-error maker of the galaxy that ended up clean-writing it. This story doesn't make much sense whatsoever, and it's scribbled under the influence of vast amounts of caffeine and sugar. Warning: contains slight bashing of Buzz, Warp, and Zurg, and a lot corny movie jokes. This has plainly nothing to do with my or anyone else's other stories. Buzz Lightyear of Star Command © Disney/Pixar. 

**Ego Crisis **

A dramatic, darkly grandiloquent march music echoed in the shady corridors of the Zurg Tower. The imperial majesty himself approached his evil Science Laboratory, his stately black cape fluttering in the air behind his back.

"More wind! Set the air conditioning to 'storm'!" he snarled to a lackey beside him who had trouble to walk forwards because of the violent breeze coming from the massive blowers. "More wind! My marvelous cape must float grandly in the air to make me look mighty! More wind! Drama! Emphasis!" Dun, dun, dun... next a metallic door in front of him whooshed open with a cloud of smoke as an impressive effect. The Emperor had arrived.

"Ahh this is my most ingenious and wicked scheme this far! Buwauhahahaha! My ultraoverintelligent brainwork has created a new ray of destruction!" he gloated his clawed hands in the air.

Warp Darkmatter, who had lodged already in the lab, walked to him his brows raised up with amazement. "Cool. What kind of ray? Some neat gimmick that turns the nimbus-bigots of Star Command to oozing protoplasm?

"No, Darkmatter, you dipstick. Such a thing would not work at all. I have something far much better and diabolic in my mind! Behold my new Hyper-Purple Ray!" Zurg hovered to a corner where some large object was covered with a canvas. With one swing of arm, he drew the shield aside, revealing a large battery-looking cylinder taller than him.

"This treasured scion of my inspiration shall be added to the raygun I have on the top of my marvelous palace! It generates electromagnetic waves of four hundred nanometers, modulates and boosts the speed of photons, and thus the ray lets out a photon beam of pure purple light! Ahahahaha! Everything shall turn purple! Hyper-purple; meaning that it shall be forty percent more purple than just plain violet! It is spectacular! Everywhere I shoot, whatever I shoot with it, it all turns purple! Soon the whole universe will be purple and then I shall rule it all! Ghrahahaha! Oo I am so evil! Oohahahahah!"

While the royal laughed complacent at his own jokes, in the background the grubs shrugged to each other looking like as if they had missed the point. And so was the blue half-robot also rather stupefied.

"Uhh you sure that's gonna work, boss?" Darkmatter's face twisted into a doubting grimace, "So what if stuff's purple, they still ain't yours. You gotta _conquer_ them first. Wouldn't it be easier to blast Star Command to ashes and..."

"No, you bucketbrain, I..." the taller male began furiously, then stopped to think of the words he had heard, his clawed index tapping the grill of his helmet. Warp perhaps had a point after all. "Hmm oh well perhaps I still need to develop a tad more my fiendishly clever plot. But!" he interjected a finger in the air, "I still can use the second part of the scheme now and here! That is Jim-kraken-dandy! I have it all outlined in my mind! With this _second_ ray modulator I have here..." he spurted to another corner with his rocket boots, explaining, "...I shall blur Lightyear. Behold, my Omnibliblizising Z-Amp!"

Warp rolled his eyes. "Like making up big words huh?" That name monster definitely was not even a regular word, neither applicable to be used in a regular sentence.

"Ahh indeed! It is the privilege of an evil Emperor! I am such a genius in making up words! Although the cosmic truth is that I am a genius in everything but still... does not _Omnibliblizising Z-Amp _sound so vile and solemn!"

"Umm ya. What does it do? Turns Lightyear purple?"

"No. You wait and see..." the malevolent ruler took a mysteriously vulpine expression on his helmet.

"What? You won't tell me? I thought I was part of the mission!"

"No, Darkmatter. I shall conduct the operation alone."

"Then why did ya call me here?" the blue hunk looked baffled.

"Hymm... I had something for you yes... " Zurg pondered the issue the time of a by-passing neutrino. "Indeed. Here, take this keycard and go to floor Z-1d10t. There are four large tubs of dirty socks waiting for you with soap and water. The evil sock-dry-clean is broken and I want you to wash my socks for me. And remember, it is a glorious priority to wash my socks." And thus Zurg's number one henchman -yet this time also number one complaining and raging henchman- was sent at the washboard. The overlord himself was left in his chambers to accomplish his dark intentions.

**--Space, a few hours later--**

"This was why we were asked to check out this asteroid?" Mira squinted and picked up a muffin wrapper -with little z-letters all over it- from a small crater.

"Hmm... Commander Nebula knows Zurg is up to something. Otherwise we wouldn't have been commanded to rake through this rock..." Buzz stood behind her, hushing then his voice. He struck an erect pose, and his hand started whisking high in the air along the tone of the upcoming bombastic speech. "My Zurg-alarm is buzzing. The dark side is getting its grip again, I can feel it! The balance of the force is in jeopardy, and the helpless universe would be soon in the merciless grasp of the Evil Emperor Zurg, unless I, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, was not there to foil his trickery of utter devilry. For my ally is the goodness, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. You must feel it around you; between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere...!" 

"Hmm and we don't even have trees over here." XR commented beside Mira, "Ever thought if our lovable darthvader rip-off and Buzz are related somehow? I mean, turn that pathos-melodrama a bit more sinister, add a cape, and a bucket over his head and we will have a Z Mini-Me." 

The Tangean remained rolling her eyes at the mecha, and threw away the z-decorated trash.

"Blast! We will dissect this asteroid nanometer by nanometer to reveal Zurg's wheelings and dealings! Clear your mind must be, if you are to discover the real villains behind this plot! We'll..." Lightyear began again, but sadly enough, never finished his sentence. A flare of blinding red light abruptly flashed above him, coming fairly out of nowhere. In the faint aerosphere of the asteroid the odd eruption was strong enough to cause a pressure wave, so that Booster, Mira, and XR all flew backwards and hit the ground. 

A few seconds after the bolt, the silence remained spookily fatal. Only the solar wind dully blew primary particles somewhere above. The rest of Team Lightyear tardily scampered up with moans of pain, only to find their Captain lying immovable in the gray dust. 

**--Planet Z--**

"Ahahahahah! Muwauwarrrhaharrrh! I made it! Yii I am mammy's own bad boy! Lightyear is finally off the map!" Zurg danced around his throne room. A triangular monitor was in front of his imposing seat, showing a paused scene of the indolent Buzz Lightyear sprawling in the dirt. Yes, of course it was the evil Emperor, who had his claws even in this dip of malicious mayonnaise. Darkmatter could be seen appearing from the main door, his better arm's sleeve wrapped up and both hands -also the robotic one- dripping soap water. He had been called from his "important task" up to see the dark side's victory.

"Whoa. Is he dead?"

"No, Darkmatter. A death ray would have not passed the obstacles on the line without giving that cursed lobsterscull a warning. But _this_ ray affects only organic matter, mjiuhahah! He shall be all washed up now! Ahahaha! He is all washed up, that is a good one!" the Emperor laughed at his own joke, "how does it go with the socks? Are they evilly clean now?"

"Umm yah. Almost." Warp wiped his sweating forehead with a back of the hand. "Some day I'm gonna put you to eat those darned socks and _without_ salt or ketchup, for this!" he muttered revengefully in his mind, though. "What's with Lightyear then? Zap-o-gone, turned to a mental veggie?"

"No, he has just been turned aside, like I said. He shall be too busy with other things than being a space ranger, after he wakes up. And as he is not on my way, I shall be ready to perform the take-over of the Galaxy! Though I do not know how to do that yet... humm... urhm..." he deliberated a finger on the place of his helmet chin, "As an almighty Evil Emperor I should have a dandy scheme always in my mind, but perhaps I must bear an exception now... hjium... oh well, I shall come up with it soon. I shall. That is the truthest of truth! Yes!" He clapped his hands together. "Oh and Darkmatter. Once you have finished with the socks, you can start with the cutely frilly coffee table napkins. I have a whole room of them and they need extra-careful gentle tiny wash. I am charitably giving you the option of making them dandily clean and silky!"

**--Med Bay, Star Command--**

"Is he...?"

"Awakening, yep. Hope the kid's all right. Sweet mother of Venus, I bet this was some sort of trap that stinkin' helmet-bogey made you. Shouldn't have let you on that darned asteroid", Commander Nebula grunted. He stagnated at a hospital bed with the space ranger triplet, watching Buzz who was in the arms of the bed sheets. The Captain, who had been hours and hours in the misty lands, was gradually beginning to open his eyes. The LGM's had concluded that he had no physical handicaps of any sort caused by the hit.

"Uhh..." Buzz moaned, sitting up arduously. He lifted his hands to hold his aching head, but soon left a squeal out of his throat.

"Ahh! What has happened! Mirror! I need a mirror, now!"

Wondering XR rummaged his inners and passed him a looking glass. "Relax, cap. You aren't the headless horseman yet if that's what you think."

But another screech deafened the audience as Buzz saw himself. "AHH! I cannot look like this! AHH my gorgeous smooth hair! What have you done to it!" He went on ripping his cowl off, running his fingers through his raven, short-cut locks. "AHH! I need hair gel! AHH! There is one unshaven beard hair on my chin! EEP! I look terrible!" Bouncing up from the bed, he zoomed straight to the nearest men's room. The flabbergasted team was left to stare after his feet's dust.

"Uhh... what's with Buzz?" Booster gave a pip.

"Hmh. The LGM's med-probe reported that Buzz is alright. But it was some Zurg's blasted blast that struck Buzz, and we don't yet know what it was for."

"One thing it made good", XR noted, "We now know he's got hair. I always though he had a shiny lumpy bald under the hood and that it was super-glued on his big head." This quasi-friendly side comment caused a row of angry glares being shot at the robot.

A few hours later the android, Mira, and Booster were standing outside the same men's room where their captain had vanished. During all this time, no-one had creaked the door open or stepped out. The rookies gradually had become worried.

"Umm Buzz? Are you still there?" Nova knocked the door.

"Indeed I am. Only a slight finish and everything shall be splendid." A voice echoed back with a weird drawling tone in it.

"Now we got the meteors in disorder in someone's head. Our cap doesn't talk like that." XR twiddled his thumbs, looking suspicious.

"He didn't speak that way when he woke up although the yelps were rather... un-Lightyear", the Princess admitted.

Right at the moment the entrance zoomed open. Out stepped Buzz Lightyear, but barely recognizable. The whole team gasped with saucer-round oculars. Their commanding officer looked like some swaggering fashion model. His every single hair was individually curled, obviously a ton of hair lacquer holding the stone-stiff coiffure together. The rest of the time he had obviously spent by polishing his big teeth. They shone so blaringly white that he should have carried a warning sign of obligatory usage of sunglasses around him if not willing to get eye injuries. A stupidly smug 10-parsek wide grin was stamped on his face, and his tip of the nose was appropriately pointing also upwards.

"Ah, I do not comprehend how I had managed to fall into a shamefully untidy state like that! Phifft!" he wiped some imaginary dust off his jumpsuit sleeve. "However now, excuse me for leaving the presence of your companionship. I must dash. I shall need new clothes. It is an unforgettable scandal to promenade around in a vulgar costume like this, but oh I must bear it for a moment still. Farewell." Cockily tiptoeing forwards, Buzz was about to leave. 

"Uh Buzz? You... A-are you sure you're... emm... _alright_? You sound... uhh... _different_." Mira gave a nervous blurt. 

"Indeed I am perfectly fine, mademoiselle, if not counting the presence of this plebeian suit I am carrying. Oh and if I may make a note, perhaps mademoiselle Nova should refine slightly her language. A custom nobility evening school perhaps. Now, farewell. I definitely ought to go." Hence he pattered away.

"Ok, ok... he's missing a bit more than just a few planets from his orbits. _Indeed? I shall? Vulgar?_ If he wasn't a Z Mini-Me before, now he _indeed_ is so", the android snorted to Mira who was still bright red with chagrin. "What did that Lord Dark Helmet do to him?"

"I hope Buzz will be alright tomorrow! That's not Buzz at all", Munchapper added to the soup.

**--Planet Z, again--**

Zurg followed the whole presentation via a spybot's remote camera.

"Splendid! Capital! Mission accomplished, muwahahaha!"

Warp juxta the Emperor remained scratching his hair. He could not quite get the point. Buzz was alive, but seemed somehow changed. What was the final effect of the Izzard's ray supposed to be? "Umh... what did ya shoot him with? If it was an IQ devolver, I bet it was somewhat futile since ya cannot actually devolve that monkey's brains any more from what they already were."

"No, no... I would call it an _ego-boost_. It is very simple. I plainly loaded the modulator with my own brainwaves that are affecting in him now."

"Brainwaves? Ego? How's that gonna throw him outta track? He's 130 percent full of himself already."

"Ahh but a tad more of it shall change his ego-identity so concentrated on _itself_, that he shall not be interested in his pathetic Star Comma any more. Without him defending the Alliance, it is rather much just a puny comma in the sky, miuhuhuhuu! Ahh that was a good spicy quibble! A comma! Iihahaha! A few days and you shall see, you shall see... It will get worse, a few days more and that cursed Lightyear shall not be any more on my way. Then it shall be only my way", his helmet haughtily grinning, Zurg tapped his unnaturally long fingers together. "Then... By the way, I have a new mission for you."

Warp sighed having certain expectations. But the word 'mission' sounded promising.

"Mission coffee-table napkins shall continue! Part one done, they are washed, balmy with the scent of tidiness! Oo! Tomorrow you can start _the monogramming._ It is too expensive to have made my ornamental initial to them, so I can save loads of uni-bucks by putting you on the job. And you must remember to be careful with the fine string and the tiny embroidery needles. They cost a fortune, but as an emperor, I want best quality! And you better be dashy with the task since I need them for the next week's dark side masquerade party. I shall dress up as myself, thus no-one can guess who I am."

Darkmatter's blueness had blanched to ashen snow.

**--Next day--**

Rangers walking in the vast corridors of the Star Command Headquarters encountered an odd sight. A male with a shiny-black suit, patent leather shoes, a high top hat on the top of his wavy locks, a silvery walking-stick in his hand, traipsed towards Commander Nebula's office. Hardly anyone could have believed this gent to be Buzz Lightyear. The least his team that was negotiating with the HQ's leader right at the moment in the very same room. As the Captain marched in, they were glued onto their seats with jaws verging on the foot ledge.

"_Buongiorno_, signore Nebula", Buzz bowed deep instead of giving the official ranger greeting, "I have come to present my resignation from Star Command. It is a sheer pity, which I deeply mourn, to leave thy splendid place of employment. But I have signed a working contract with the Model Agency of _Me, Myself and I_. I shall start as a photographic model from tomorrow on, which I consider bringing out better my gorgeousness than being a space ranger." He brushed some dust off his glossy top hat with a tissue that had the letter 'B' sewn on it. Also, as studying better his outfit, this initial could be seen jutting out in several places, like the knob of his cane and his silk tie.

The aghast-flown Commander could not believe his ears or any sensing organs. "Buzz, you... you can't! Blast, we people need you here! Craters, so this was that stinkin' grilltooth's plan! To make our best ranger insane with some darned idiotizing ray!" he gesticulated to the remaining team. "Take him to the LGM lab now, we gotta find out what's gone to him."

"Sorry Sir!" Munchapper gave a nervous blurt and lifted the abruptly horror-struck Buzz up. Soon he was kicking and screaming in the air.

"Set thy presence away from my nearness, thou ill-mannered peasant! Thou are crumpling up my French hand-made suit! EEP! My hat! Thou left thy greasy fingerprints on it! I had it just splendidly polished! EEK! Please go wash thyself, the odor or thee is slaying my sweetly flowery perfume!" he squealed while being carried towards the Med Bay, beginning to sound like a whacked-up Shakespeare as the minutes went on.

"Oooo... Nooo goood..." a multitude of squeaks concluded unpromisingly. Buzz was lying on a study table, a brainscan device on his head, and bandages around arms and legs keeping him from escaping.

"Thou messed my hair! It did take three hours to wax it to a shininess of splendor! Thou barbarians! And indeed adding to this, I broke a nail!" 

"Eeeevilll..." the LGM's whined in a frightful choir, their antennas quivering. "Evil brainwaves! Zuuurrrrg! Zurg has affected his mind with evil brainwaves!"

Nebula fell more and more severe. "Yesterday you should've come up with that he's not alright at all. Can you guys do anything?" he spread his arms, "I gotta get my best ranger back! Sweet mother of Venus, he's bonkers! Is there any antidote for this?"

A grave silence of tomb filled the room. And immeasurable distances away, on the dark planet of izzards, a vile teeth plate cackled complacent to the beginning fall of Star Command. 

------------------------------

Chapter two will come later. Buzz will take part on the famous Mister Galaxy contest, while Zurg develops his evil schemes further. AKA things will make perhaps even less sense than in this brainless chapter.


	2. The contest of glory

AN: Ok this stupid thing was not supposed to become this long. But it needs still one chapter after this one to get the plot finished. The story still won't make much sense whatsoever, and is intended to be just parody, not meant to offend anyone. I (and the other pplz who build up this story) am making my own favorite characters completely insane here, but sometimes it's just fun to "bash" them a bit. Flame then if necessary. HP © JK Rowling, Star Wars © Lucasfilm, LOTR © JRR Tolkien, other Disney stuff belongs to Disney, and the stuff that I don't remember to mention here belongs to their respective companies. 

**--------------------------**

**--A few days later, Capital Planet-**

The LGM's new studies had not given Buzz quite good prospects. According to them, he suffered from a deep-rooted ego crisis. There was not an antidote for this, although the tiny green squeakers their heads smoking pondered a solution for this catastrophic dilemma. Namely, Buzz's state went day by day crazier. He could not be locked in to any loony house since not actually being a real imbecile. But oh the ego, oh the self-esteem... he sincerely had transformed so egoistic that even Warp's self-admiration faded beside the Captain's idiocy. It was said that perhaps only a mental shock -or alternatively a big hit on his head- could cancel the vile influence of the ego-boosting brainwaves. 

Commander Nebula had set him free, but had ordered Lightyear's team to watch over the male. At the moment Nova and co. were spying at him by sitting on the terrace of a street café. The man himself was on a promenade, with a pack of squealing girls swarming behind him, heart-shaped reflections in their eyes asking for autographs. As he had been able to run free a few days, mountains had been moved. In a flash he had become a fashion star, thanks to the model agency. His mug was over-smugly grinning on every newspaper; advertisements with Buzz stamped on them were hanging from every lamppost, eaves, and so on. He ballyhooed everything. Exercise bikes, dog food, cuckoo clocks, flyswatters, egg boilers, and of course his own hair care products called InfinityGlitterlocks . Girls fainted as seeing him flex his steel-hard muscles in holo-ads, this of course causing a vast increase in the local ambulance patrolling. Capital Planet's this district's mayor had been forced to give orders of setting up miniature health centers to street corners so that the masses of indolent teenage lasses could be revived there.

"A morning bright hath fallen above us, as I rejoice seeing ye again!" a drawling greeting was heard from behind Mira. Booster and XR had already both noticed the over-bright star pattering towards them. Next they all turned about, nodding hellos with awkward smiles.

"Often I comprehend your splendid presence as I grandly take a promenade along the splendidly blessed streets of our Capital." Buzz smoothed out his black swallowtail's collars, giving also a light brush on the badge he had attached to his lapel. A glittering silver badge with his own face carved on it in sophisticated detail.

The rangers simpered again, not willing to reveal that they were actually snoopers.

"Uhh so how goes... umm... you look well-off", the Princess gave a nervous smirk.

"Marvelous, fabulous, thank you, mademoiselle Nova. I shall excuse also thine unladylike expression of question. Oh, but thou hast not perhaps heard the recent news in the abysm of time. I, with my grand self, have been selected to nobly contest together with the finest knights of our spectacular Galaxy." As a conclusion, he gave a slight bow.

"Has his brains been zapped to a wrong millennium or what's with the piffle he preaches? Is he trying to be some sort of Hamlet or some other ancient king that never spoke understandable English?" XR tilted his head.

"Umm what... what do you mean, Buzz?" the Tangean gave another antsy query, nudging also the bigmouth robot to be quiet.

"Oh but seest thou not the quest for glory and might? Thus thou shalt grow in wisdom, whilst I declare that I step on the challenging stage of the annual Mister Galaxy contest! The last chevalier was I to be chosen, but the kindness of the judges have brought me this far. Thus enter I must and show my full majesty; the grandeur I shall gain!"

Team Lightyear stared at him with stupefied miens, hoping that the LGM's would soon find a way to cure that self-worshipping snailbrain. Star Command needed him to defend the universe, not him to show off with his toothpaste smile and big pectorals elsewhere.

"M... Mister Galaxy contest? The one that's got the final in two weeks?" they all blurted out in 3D-sound. 

"Indeed. I shall grant ye all with VIP tickets, so comfortably you can follow the tournament of the grand cup of vigor." Buzz drawled, taking three flat plastic cases out of his breast pocket. From his attaché case he also brought forth three action figures presenting himself, giving them together with the tickets to Booster, Mira, and XR.

"Au revoir, farewell, arrivederci! I ought to dash, my toe nail manicure shall commence in fifteen minutes."

"Cool! Buzz Lightyear toys!" Munchapper was the only happy one after the Captain had left, and walked the popinjay plaything along the coffee table surface. The mecha and the Princess were less cheerful. Mister Galaxy contest? This was going too far.  

**--Planet Z--**

A tad of time Warp Darkmatter had been able to fake sick days and slip Zurg's next humiliating project, but now he had been forcibly dragged from his moon escorted by a few angry hornets. No more super model girls, parties, or swanking with his colossal blue chest (nowadays also hairy) at the outdoors pool. "Grmbfffgrrgggghhh... murf!" he snarled under his breath as lazily slouching towards the stock room, from where Zurg had ordered him to get the silk string and other implements for the ornament work. "I'll make him pay this some day! I'll tie him up to a chair and force him to listen to Britney Spears yodeling, twenty hours in row!" When cursing and shaking his fists, he had not even noticed that he had entered the door to the storage space. Now he woke up to spot one nasty side effect. He was stuck. Stuck in the middle of the doorframes that were just slightly narrower than his huge wide shoulders.

"What in the name of rotten antigravitation...?" he wriggled in the awkward position, remaining jammed. "Okey-dokey. I gained a neat amount of more bulk with the one-month super muscle training, but of course that double-doggone king of bugs did not widen his palace's doors to fit my newly trained looks!" In his quandary, he tried blasting the doorway broken with his weapon arm, but it was just perfectly stuck too so that he could not move it to any direction. The only way to get unstuck, was to yell for help.

Half an hour later a few grubs were unfastening Darkmatter by bit-by-bit laser-cutting the doorframes away. The Emperor was furious, since good strong doorframes were nowadays expensive to manufacture. And now he would need to invest money on _doors_ so that his henchman would fit to walk through them? How debasing!

And even later, the poor blue creature was thrown in the Tartarus of handiwork. He sat his forehead sweating at a small table with a pile of napkins and string, trying to get the minuscule sewing-needle to remain in his huge thick fingers. The tiny thing kept popping out of his hold like a wet cake of soap, constantly vanishing on the dark purple floor. This forced him to look after it by crawling on all fours on the parquet, with a magnifying glass in his hand. And far much later, Darkmatter was sniveling at the same table, with _one_ 'ready' napkin done. The decoration on it resembled something like a five-year-old would have bustled about. Because of some incomprehensible reason, the assumed Z-letter's form was more like a 'W', though hardly still recognizable.

"I'll never get this stupid girly gig done! Sniff! Buaaahhhaaaah! Warpy needs a hug!" he wept against his large palm, suddenly perking up though. Perhaps he could order someone else to do the job for him. Was not he _the_ Warp Darkmatter, the rich evil genius who had money and power all over everything (except Zurg)? Thus he dialed a comlink number with his wrist communicator, and soon a perky voice answered in the vidscreen.

_"Martha Steward Online, how can I help you?"_

It was not a sweet cupcake for Warp to hear the results of his query; namely how much it would cost if some quick seamstress would come and fix the napkins for him. Two uni-bucks apiece, and there were thousands of those. But he had no choice: leave the _glorious_ _mission_ undone and his Master would degrade him to toil with the day salary of a brass button. Hence, swallowing his pride and making himself blind for the upcoming costs, he had to accept the lace-making services of _Martha Steward Online_.

Meanwhile, the main villain was traipsing impatiently around his throne room, charring a few lackeys with the electric charges coming from his fingers, every now and then. Either he had learned to use the force like some of the oldest Dark Lords (like Emperor Blahblah-Tine of the competing dark empire), or then simply he had a fancy pair of electroalloy gloves with lasershooting digits in his hands. This detail however is not anyhow essential concerning this story, so let us go on.

"Where is my plan of utter evilness? Lightyear is out of range now, so where is my plan of defeating Star Command? What is the evil scheme department doing? Having popcorn parties and watching Mickey Mouse while I slave away with my worries of getting the Alliance in my icy, violet, remorseless clutch?" he grabbed one of the cringing lackeys by collars, bringing his flashy laser regard near, "And I am positive that at least one of you eats my delicious Bunzel muffins behind my cape! Pfifft! Snorrf! The evil cake dish in my evil snack cupboard is always empty when I need a groovy muffin!"

Unfortunately, the minions' hands and heads were rather empty. There were no good plans of conquering the universe, although the situation would have been more than ideal. The ideas varied from reversing the plumbing of Capital Planet and stealing everyone's left shoe to blowing up the planet of pink fluffy bunnies as a horrible threat... But none of those quite much pleased the Master of Izzards. He could only remain huffing and puffing in his chair, his lackeys cleaning and repairing the helter-shelter gone throne room after his continuous blusters of wrath.

**--Two weeks later--**

Things had not much changed on the plains of good and villainous. The star cruisers in Lightyear's head were still in the wrong century, not to mention that he spent twenty-five hours a day in front of mirror with his gorgeous self. And on the other side of the Sector Four, an older priggish duffer with his reign of insects was still destitute of an appropriate scheme.

Yet, the river of time had advanced to the night of the Mister Galaxy contest's final. Buzz with his overpowering smile had won every single semifinal there had been left. Team Lightyear could just sighing shrug at his hyperbolic fame. Although... they had to admit he had certain charisma in his looks, but could not have ever believed him zooming this far with it. They followed him nearly everywhere, but this did not seem to bother at all the solo-singing looney tune. He plainly thought they were his loyal fans that wanted to escort Mr. Me and his magnificence. Daily, the trio was more or less happy to receive their portion of new Lightyear merchandise as a gift. Buzz Lightyear bedsheets, Buzz Lightyear ketchup, Buzz Lightyear mono-printers that self-generated high-quality pictures of Buzz Lightyear from plain sunlight.

Initially the confused triplet had set themselves on sinking dark-red seats lodging in a VIP-booth of a grand luxurious theatre hall. Trade World was of course the arena of the intergalactic challenge of six-packs and square jaws. The gala's host was ready on the stage with a grand orchestra tooting and booming below the main estrade. Heavy red velvet curtains, with gold decorations in them, surrounded the main events. The theater's high vaulted ceiling was holo-projected full of almost real-looking stars in order to make more impressive effects.

"Welcome to the final of the annual Mister Galaxy contest, ladies and gentlemen! Today, right here, will be selected The One, the one that deserves to be called the most handsome man of the Milky Way!" the host, who looked like a copy of Lord Greystoke, heralded with swings of arms. "Now, enter the contestants! We have ten gentlemen here, ten who have won all the semifinals of their quadrants! So it will be harder than a hard competition. Now... I present you the Tremendous Ten!" Thus the first show, the white tie performance, began. A side curtain opened, and males of different sizes and shapes one by one walked into view with presentations.

_"On number one... blahblahblah..."_ Some cow from Rhizome waddled past, yackety-yakking some hippie talk about the healing force of flowers and trees. Half of the crowd fell asleep. _"...number two this year is Mister Han Solo from Corellia..."_ The Captain of the famous Millennium Falcon traipsed by, dressed in a simple self-colored suit. A few well-selected wry sarcasms from him, and the drowsy spectators were back online with cheers. _"...And...Numbuh three is Mr. Gantu from... blahblah...yadayadayada..."_

Next, it was the familiar space ranger's turn. Team Lightyear slightly shuttered in their seats, waiting for the worst to happen. "And on number four... Mister Buzz Lightyear!" the amplifiers rang. The curtains flew aside, and forth minced the Captain, such an absurd get-up and expression on that Mira in her chair covered her eyes with her hands.

"I'm not seeing this! I'm not hearing this! I'm not here! I'm peacefully on a nice calm mission ducking plasma missiles and evading death rays..." she murmured monotonically in order to hide the sound of whistles coming from among the other audience. Buzz had some sort of orange-blue Renaissance man's outfit on; with breeches, plumed hat, a nobleman's doublet, buckled shoes, and the silvery cane that seemed to be glued in his hand. In other words, he looked simply crazy.

"Holy cratervipers! Has Buzz robbed a museum?" the robot reflected upon, but was nudged quiet by Booster who wanted to hear the host's speech.

"Nominee number four comes from the lush planet of Morph! This former famous space ranger, Order of Galactic Merit First Class, started a career as a fashion model just only a few weeks ago!" Buzz paraded and swirled around in the background, as the announcer kept the introduction. "In his free time, Mister Lightyear enjoys recitation, playing medieval love songs with a lute, and growing roses on his yard. And now, as a proof of talent, we can hear him reciting an extract from Shakespeare's _Romeo and Juliet_!"

Buzz struck a dramatic half-backwards-bent pose, laid his eyes at the ceiling and brought a hand on the place of his heart. His pompous chest-tone blazoned, "_Here's much to do with hate, but more with love.__Why, then, O brawling love!__ O loving hate!__ O any thing, of nothing first __create__!__O heavy lightness!__ serious vanity!__Mis-shapen__ chaos of well-seeming forms!__ Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire,__ sick health...!_" After the poetry, he gave a deep courtesy bow. The audience burst to admiring sighs and claps.

"Oh that was so touching! How romantic of him! Ohh he's my favorite that sweet Buzz!" an elder lady beside Nova wiped her eyes with a tissue.

"I can't believe, they're really liking him!" the Princess tilted her head.

"Yeah. I mainly thought he's gonna get a shower of rotten cauliflowers upon him", the mecha added, as surprised.

"Of course Buzz is everyone's favorite!" Booster went on defending his hero, "He's Buzz! And that poem was really pretty, I mean really really pretty!"

"And nominee number five is Draco Malfoy from Earth!" meanwhile the speakers went on, and on the stage walked some oily-haired young brat in black robes, his mien looking so sour as if he had eaten a whole basket of unripe lemons. 

**--Planet Z, the home of villainous extraordinaire--**

Zurg sat on his throne, watching intensively the vidscreen that was installed in front of the seat. He had a huge bowl of popcorn shrimp perching in his lap, but the eating looked rather cranky. Since having his helmet on, he could not enjoy the delicious taste of the snack, but was satisfied with throwing the food over his shoulder as if it had _looked like_ from a certain angle that it had _actually_ vanished inside his mouth. Behind the throne, a grub with a dustpan cleaned the floor as more shrimp appeared there.

"Grub! More telly snackies!" the Emperor clicked his fingers when the dish was empty.

"Uhh... my evil Emperor, wouldn't it be easier to..." the lackey began.

"Yes yes I know I should go and put one of those dinner helmets on that has baleens in the place of the grill, but I cannot miss this show! I have to see if _he_ wins!" the man shook frustrated his hand. "Oh and get Darkmatter here. He shall make a report on the advancing with the potato peeling in the first floor kitchen. Ahh it became so much cheaper to replace the broken peeling machine with that lazy, incompetent boob, than to spend shiny uni-bucks on a new pathetic wreck. The door projects cost already too much, I ought to do even more savings somehow."

The beetle spurted away, bringing Warp a few minutes later in. The blue man was anything but on an amused mood, and kept snarling at himself something about shoving a ton of potato peels down Zurg's collars and putting him to eat living Peevean slugs. He had suffered terrible losses recently, especially as receiving the bill that came with the ready napkins. Fine work, but also costing bananas. Yet, Zurg had not _nominally_ degraded him, although the job assignments he got these days felt like that.

"You called me, Zee?" He tried at first to swallow the anger, but then fixed his gaze on the broadcast the purple villain was goggling at. "WHAT? The final of the Mister Galaxy contest is TODAY? But... but... butbutbut... I was supposed to be there!" he threw his both arms in the air yelling, "I won the qualifying contest of Zeta Quadrant! I was supposed to present Zeta Quadrant in the final! I would have won it with my devilishly gorgeous looks! I don't even need to flex a muscle and still most babes faint in front of me! I have a fan club of my own and I'm its main member! And you've kept me here weeks washing your socks and..."

"Pssht, now will you be quiet, Darkmatter. I sent Lardak Lurdak there instead of you. Now I want a full report on the potatoes." Zurg ignored Warp's fury.

"LARDAK LURDAK?" the half-robot's jaw hit the floor. "That that... even the guy in Edward Munch's "Scream" looks better than he! Wonder ya didn't send the Swamp Thing there!"

"Yes yes do not interrupt with that now. They headed him off already before the live show began. He is not there to spoil it."

"Then why are ya watching it?" Darkmatter was utterly thunderstruck. Year after year his boss became more and more irrational. But the riddle opened to him as he saw Buzz walking on the screen. "What? Is Lightbeer there? You want to see if that ninny with the abnormally large chin wins the Mister Galaxy contest?"

"_Of course I want my son to win, you dim-wit!_" the furious Emperor's laser regard flashed and charred a part of his own statue behind the ducking target. "He has inherited his father's glorious outer appearance although he is such a lack-wit and stump... ahh I mean... ehh..." his eyes had suddenly turned as round as O-letters when noticing what he had let out of his grilled trap. It was his luck that he had skipped the logopedics lessons. He slurred so badly with the whiny helmet, that Darkmatter usually missed half of the sentences he bellowed. Equally now. "Ahh I mean, _I want to see if my enemy wins_! If he does not, I shall destroy Star Command. If he does, I shall destroy it as well. There are two good reasons to watch it!"

"So ya got now a plan how to destroy Star Command?"

"No I do not have a plan! Will you shut up and tell me the report already! Huuhuhuu... although if you shut up, you cannot tell the report. So I am generously giving you the permission to speak." Smiling Zurg set his fingers calmly together, before letting a 120-decibel roar out of his throat. "NOW TELL THAT BLASTED THING ALREADY and AFTER THAT, SHUT UP! And one more thing. Do not insult little Buzzy at my presence."

**--Meanwhile...--******

The contest of handsomeness had advanced with leaps. The air buzzed with enthusiastic anticipation amidst the female audience. The swimsuit round was coming. The few men sitting in the middle of the hyper-charmed women looked rather bitter. So did XR. Especially as two young girls in the row before him were giggling and whispering something about Captain Lightyear, pointing slightly at the entrance curtains with a finger.

"I mean come on! They're ogling even the empty stage!" the robot spread his arms. "What's the deal? Is it only the muscle that matters? Heyyy! I'm here toooo! A cool guy with _brains_!" he rose up, and drew a colorful flag out of his inners, beginning to wave it. But he returned soon on his spot, when seeing Mira's murderous frown.

Oohs and aahs with squeals echoed through the spectators as Number One traipsed on the stage. Mister Solo received even louder courtesy as the previous one; with his ultra-sly smile he put the women's heads spin. However, none else applicant received such cheers as Buzz. Seemingly he had rehearsed some sort of a little play for this summit of the evening. As it was his turn to sneak forth with his black swimming trunks, half of the hall's females fainted. With a pattern of some sort, he flexed his massive biceps, plumed himself on with his gravity-threatening thorax, threw a few skilled somersaults in the air, and lastly remained in a stable pose with a smug grin and his eight-pack stomach muscles tightened to form a neat washboard. At this point, even the last girls had swooned to the lands of dreams, excluding Team Lightyear's only representative of this gender. Though, even Nova had to admit that Buzz _did_ look rather impressive. She winced up to XR's nudges and yelps.

"AAAA! Now even you fell in that horrible trance! Wake up! Wake up before it's too late! The hypno-muscles are taking over the world!"

"XR! Cut it out!" she retorted annoyed. "I'm not smitten with that guy. He's just my commanding officer. I like a lot better Rom... ahh ummh n-never mind. Commander Nebula has ordered us to keep an eye on Buzz so that's what we're doing here, nothing else!"

"Keep _an eye on him_, definitely... I think _most_ of the people are keeping an EYE or even more eyes on him!" the mecha folded his arms over his chest, remaining sulky.

The swimsuit tour was finally over, and the night's dazzling highlight speeded forth with lightspeed. The host stood now on the stage with closed envelopes in his hands. Silence filled the audience.

"It has come time to name our winners! It has come time to select the most handsome man of the Galaxy!" Overdramatic music rumbled in the background. The announcer opened the first envelope annoyingly slow, so that thirty percent of the crowd bit their nails broken during the prolonged nervous waiting.

"And the second Crown Prince is... Number ten! Mister Legolas Greenleaf from Middle-Earth!"

A sea of applauses. The lucky one received his prize. Then, more names were shouted out loud.

"The first Crown Prince is... Number two! Mister Han Solo from Corellia!"

A stormy sea of applauses. The king of sardonic irony flashed his patented smile and received a trophy bigger than the previous hunk.

"And ladies and gentleman, at this point I would like to announce the two honorary places of The Favorite of Press and The Favorite of Audience! Aaaand..." more paper trash fell onto the floor as more envelopes were ripped open. "Both places go to... Number four! Mister Buzz Lightyear from Morph!"

A supernova of applauses and girly shrieks. Team Lightyear at the background raised their brows with surprise. Buzz' arms were dumped full of flowers and all kinds of junk. Then... drum, drum, drrrumm... the climax grew up to its zenith. The last seal would be broken any second... the host brought the shiny name card at his nose...

"And the winner of the annual Mister Galaxy contest is..." Gasps. Melodramatic yelps. "...the winner is gentleman number... number FOUR! _Mister Buzz Lightyear!_" the announcer volleyed the answers. A loud common inhale could be heard clanging in the large hall. Thunk, thunk, thud, several maidens lost their conscious in rapture and fell on the floor. Then, cheers with the force of ten supernovas. On the VIP-row, the space rangers could do nothing but stare at each other in sheer stupefaction. _Buzz had won?_

**--Planet Zeta-Zee and a trillion izzards more--**

Zurg snapped the vidscreen shut. Grumbling and hissing with jealousy, Warp literally boiled beside the throne. His arch-foe had snatched _his_ prize right in front of his nose! And the Emperor just seemed utterly happy with it, having an overwide smirk on his helmet. Yet, the topic shifted soon as a certain someone began rubbing his hands together with enthusiasm.

"Ahh and now it shall be the time to attack Star Command and take over the Galaxy! Lightyear will not be around, he shall be too busy with celebrating his victory and looks!"

"How about the plan then?" Warp sighed frustrated.

"Ommooh...indeed..."

"Look, boss, if ya don't have a plan, why not just to order a full-scale assault with hornets to that Star Trek? Lightsnack hardly will be there."

"Pfft, Darkmatter, what a witless suggestion. That is all too easy. It will not work." Zurg snorted sourly, putting then a metallic finger up to point at his sudden idea light bulb. "I know! I have a marvelously vile scheme in my mind! I shall order a full-scale assault with hornets to Star Command! Lightyear hardly will be there, it shall be all defenseless! Muwahahahah! I give myself chills of being such an evil genius! Wrahahahah!" In the background, Warp was gagged. Zurg had just stolen his plan, and taken all the glory from it. But regarding the Big Zee, it was his perk. A perk that came with the job: to filch wickedly others' ideas, blow up planets, and watch Toy Story as many hours in row as willing. But, actually this time the theft brought Warp something else to do than braid garlands from purple tulips (which would have been next on the Emperor's to-do list). He would step in to his warship to co-lead the dark army on a real mission.

-------------------------------------

Next chapter comes later (again). Zurg attacks Star Command... but how will Buzz survive now as he's thrown in the middle of the battle? Get ready to bore and snore.


	3. The resurrection of the hunk of hunks

**--Trade World--**

The hunk tournament had ended with flowers and Arch de Triomphes. Team Lightyear was escorting Buzz to his transport pod, which would take him to his actual spacecraft. _The Charmnaught_ was a huge vessel, far much larger than Zurg's Dreadnaught, almost the size of a small planet. It hovered above the Trade World, because it was too big to be parked anywhere. As being a luxurious snobbery-ship, it also contained glamour beyond imagination: a beach simulation sector with a huge pool and its own tropical climate, a medieval castle, and paved roads all around where white horses trailed decorated wagons; as to name a few of those extraordinaries. From outside, the mightiness possessed the colors green, white, and purple. The fore was build to present Buzz' face, the foremost curving figurehead ending up to resemble white dazzling teeth. On a bad side, the turgidity consumed cosmic amounts of energy. The reactor chamber's one hundred crystallic rods had to be changed every half an hour.

Lightyear paraded with his trophy and roses towards the mini-transport, which for some incomprehensible reason resembled Zurg's hover throne.

"Now, farewell, my splendid comrades! It has been a sheer pleasure to have ye as my faithful audience!" he stepped onto the vehicle, bowing his team for goodbyes. But right then, his comlink beeped. Ringing in the grandeur of Mozart's _Die Zauberflöte_.

"Oh, must I trouble myself to answer?" he whimpered, "Behold, Lord Lightyear speaking!"

It was one of his servants calling from the dam ship. They had run out of crystallic rods up there and could not get the spacecraft fly. "Oh, oh, oh! Such a distress! Why do the heavens laugh evilly at my misery?" he placed a hand on his throat and moaned.

"But Buzz! You're always welcome to fly with forty-two!" Booster rejoiced, "We can fly you home, Captain!" Mira and XR also nodded their approval.

"Oh, such a plebeian method to float across the ashen of stars..." the winner complained, "But I shall accept your request. Ye shall escort the mighty me to the splendors of my manor."

"Now he has a manor too?" XR rolled his eyes. "Wonder when comes the _Buzz Tower_ and _Planet B_." But, so they all headed to the Star Cruiser and blasted off towards Capital Planet.

On the way, the former captain was a constant pest. He bewailed about everything.

"How rude! What a scandal! I was not given a red mat of entrée! Why do the seats have no ermine fur draping? Pfyi! How parochial! Lo, and I beheld in my heart to encounter at least a few masterpieces of the splendid Rembrandt on the walls of our means of moving!"

"But Buzz, this is how 42 has always been! Your own Star Cruiser!" Nova sighed at Buzz, who sulking sat on the copilot seat.

"Oh, oh, the abysm of times, how the clouds of eternity fly... how cometh ever..."

Suddenly a red light pulsated on the console, and Commander Nebula's austere face appeared in the vidscreen. "Coming all Star Cruisers! Red alert at Star Command! Zurg is attacking with full assault! All Star Cruisers return to Star Command, immediately!"

"Craters!" Mira vociferated. "We gotta speed up! Buzz, we can't take you home now. The Alliance is under attack! We need your help!"

He was horror-struck, panting and fully sweating. "But! But! Me, a gentleman of splendor cannot... I could get a dirty spot on my tuxedo! Ohhh..." he fainted due to the terrible impression of him getting bedraggled. But the remaining triplet was determined, they would shoot off to Star Command and right now! The safety of the universe was in jeopardy!

**--Star Command-- **

A horrifying sight it was. The base of the heroes was all surrounded by vile buzzing hornets and droidekas. The outrageous shadow of the Dreadnaught floated nearby, its horns of Neptar gleaming awfully in the light of distant stars.

"Finally the Galaxy shall be mine! Muwahahaha!" Zurg gloated inside his flagship, watching how his dark army little by little beat more and more the defenders of goodness. The first ion shields had been already undone, and the rangers in the outskirts of the base were forced to retreat inside. "Once I have it all in my fingers of iron and vicious, I shall shoot it all with my Hyper-Purple Ray! Muuhahaa, it shall be so glorious! All shall be purple! What a dream! What a sweet illusion! Ahh Nana Zurg would bake her little Zurggie Boy a big creamy fruitcake if she knew how bad a bully I have been!"

"So... how are ya gonna split it all, boss? Can I ask for a... small earldom of a few solar systems? The former Capital Planet perhaps? I could name it Planet W and build my own cruel county there!" Darkmatter beside him grinned greedily.

"We shall think of that later. At least I am taking the costs of the door project from your next month's salary", the Emperor answered sourly. "And that octa-cursed planet of lack-wits shall be annihilated immediately! I shall build my ultra-fast hyperspace wormhole on the place of it, so I can speedily reach the other side of my ghastly Galaxy! Speedy I shall be! Speedy Gonzales! Mohaha! Ohh I am making myself laugh with my evilly spicy jokes!" he wiped a tear of hilarity from his helmet cheek. But suddenly his oculars widened when spotting the view through his arena window. Star Cruiser Forty-Two was approaching his victorious hornets, and being victorious with full laser power.

"Darkmatter! Go and get that lamebrained scum! Burn! Annihilate! Liquidate! Terminate! Vandalize! Smite! Scupper! Chop!" the bucket head ran amok.

"My pleasure!" the blue man grimaced. "I can have my revenge on that Lightwit, in case he's squeaking there! Rorrh! He took my victory!" He stomped away to the launch deck of the Dreadnaught and switched on his warship.

Forty-Two was in the middle of a hot battle. Nonetheless, the temperature in vacuum is near the Absolute Zero, so it should be moreover called a cold battle.

"We gotta get in! Zurg's army is too strong!" Nova shouted at XR and Booster, who were plugging hysterically the radar and other devices. _Blam! Slam! Zap!_ The ship was right betwixt and between of crossfire, and had started shaking violently. All the time new plasma missiles of the bug corps injured its hull. And here just a plaster band would not be enough to heal any damages.There was not much help from Buzz' side. Quivering with fear, eyes glazed and wide, he hugged his knees in the copilot seat and bit his carefully manicured nails broken.

"Iiiihihhiiiiiihhhh--- hhh--- helllp me--- my shiny curls shall go all to the appalling state of unpleasantness because of this shaking in the infernal flames of darkness! Ye must stop it! Iiihihiiii---- eeep---" he whimpered like a mouse being dragged from its tail.

"We're going in now!" the Princess bellowed and pulled the ship into a dive, "Adjust the posterior shield to maximum! 42 may explode if a missile hits the fusion cells!"****

"E---explode?" Buzz wheezed and covered his eyes. "EEEEEP!"

But, right at the last nanopart of a nanosecond, which is indeed a very small time and hardly can be measured with any modern clocks, the vessel flounced inside and landed rather smoothly on the launch bay. Most of the Star Cruisers had absconded already there. It was terribly, horribly, dreadfully, gruesomely evident that the hornets would crawl soon inside, and the star wars would go on within these very corridors.Next Team Lightyear ran out of their transport.

"Buzz, stay here! And don't do anything", Mira pushed Buzz into an empty side room, rather much boiling because of his daft helplessness. "We're going to the command deck to find Commander Nebula! I repeat, don't do anything and don't touch anything!"

"Hmph! Definitely I shall not set my fragrantly soft and clean skin to skim anything!" he criticized the room his nose pointing upwards when being alone, "So dusty and scandalously disheveled! And not even a mirror here so I could stay in the company of my wonderful self!" Thus, against the orders he left the shielded space and started mincing along an empty alley.

Oh, the cursed adventurousness! Not many minutes went, and the menacing sound of two large space boots echoed in the rear. And there it was, the thunderous figure of Warp Darkmatter, contrasting as a black shadow against the light coming from behind. Zurg's number one henchman had just infiltrated the last island of heroism, together with a large hole in the outer hull so that the yellow pests of the midge regime could worm in.   

Darkmatter growled through his teeth like a fierce rabid wolf. "LIGHTYEAR! Face me, you chicken noodle! You took away my victory! You'll pay for this!"

Buzz turned around on his heels like a ballet dancer. He primed his lips and picked up a monocle from his breast pocket. He set it over his left eye and fixed the position of his top hat. "Signore Darkmatter. Although I must impolitely say thee that it shall be not quite a pleasure to meet thee..." His regard widened suddenly with aghast, "Oh, but hast thou washed thy teeth and _when_?

"What?" Warp raised a brow, then in a horrified panic drew forth a mirror from his pocket. "AHH! I got plaque! There's a bread crumb in my eyetooth's cavity!" He started ferociously wiping the teeth whiter with a handkerchief. "Rotten blazooka! Gotta look tip-top; never know when a pretty gal walks by!"

"I ought to recommend thee a splendid product generously manufactured by my agent company." Lightyear took a box of toothpaste from his attaché case. "Thou shalt rejoice as thou seest the brilliantly glittering whiteness of Alaskan snowfields reflecting from thy teeth after a splendid usage. I shall grant thee a free sample, even as I have the heavy heart to behold the darkness in thee." The Morphean walked to the blue male and passed the box. After a slight bow, he tiptoed back to his previous spot.

"Now, as we, old friends separated by the bonds of evilness, have met again, I shall announce the woe of my heart. Hast thou not cometh to be cognizant that it wrong is to become a servant of maliciousness? Thou hast heard that it was said of them of old time, thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment. But I say unto thee, that whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say..." Buzz stood leaning to his cane, with eyes closed and a finger pointing upwards.

Darkmatter blinked and threw the napkin over his shoulder. Wasn't he supposed to avenge that idiot? What the heck was he blabbering? Agent Z wanted a good heated battle, but was that ego-oaf keeping him a _sermon_? Besides, he could not understand even a half of the ancient lingo. "Hey! Stop that wimpy gibbering and fight like a man!" he hopped his both feet together, smoke coming out of his ears. But Buzz did not do a gesture to raise a hand against him.

"...And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye...?" he went on with the fine cautionary lecture.

BLAM! Sparkles and smoke smoldered from Warp's weapon arm. Buzz fell onto the floor, limp like a boiled macaroni. "Agagagagaga..." he stammered before passing out. The vile villain stepped over him, snorting.

"Hmph. That pushover ain't even a good rival any more. Too bad Zee made him that demented, I missed a saucy wrestle. I guess this seals my avenge then. Bye-bye, Lightcheese."

How horrible! Buzz had been shot! He was all stunned and sooty!

The indolent male lay in the middle of the scrap for a moment. Blink, blink. Tardily awareness streamed back in him. Moaning he rose up, face all black and his masterly done curl-exhibition all sticking out in tangled dreadlocks. His silky suit was without sleeves, the originally snow-white handmade shirt under it appeared as if a swarm of moths had devoured it. The gentleman's walking-stick had molten to one lumpy piece of metal. "Urrf... where am I...?" he squaked and rubbed his eyes. Abruptly it all flashed in his vision, the weeks left behind, the dreary mission on that asteroid, the contest, everything... "AAAH!" he grabbed his hair with both hands and glared at his outfit. "What have I become! EEP! This isn't true! I wrote love poems! I read romance of chivalry! I wanted to be Prince Charming and save a princess from a dragon! EEE! NOOOOO!" he cringed at his own insanity, eyes drawn tight shut. "The greatest hero of this Galaxy became a wimp! IIIIIIIII!"  Obviously Warp's blast had been that forceful that it had cancelled the influence of those horrible brainwaves. Buzz had gotten back his reason!

_Screep!_ With both hands, he ripped the tuxedo and the shirt off, letting a score of buttons bounce merrily in the air. "Buzz Lightyear of Star Command has returned! The Galaxy needs me! Grurrf!" he snorted deep through his nostrils, as comprehending standing in the middle of a battlefield. "Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!" The man tried pressing his pectoral in order to activate the jetpack. But he fooled around his upper body bare, wearing only partly burned trousers. "Umm whatever. Still, Buzz Lightyear to the rescue! Swoosh!" The Captain took a giant leap in the air, heading to help his fighting team members further there. The struggle had fallen now completely inside the Base.

Hornets began surrounding him from every side. But this would not stop the hunk of hunks even if he was lacking a bludgeon. "Taa ta-ta-ta taa taa ta-ta-ta-taa!" he blazed a melody with a deep voice, grabbed the nearest heavy metal bar -left as a trash from some explosion- and started hitting the artificial insectoids. Skillfully, like rugged paragons always did, he dodged the plasma missiles and was victorious with mashing Zurg's killer machines in the caveman way. "Swoosh! Clang! Eat my cosmic dust! Tetsusaiga! Tattaraa!" In the background, Team Lightyear spotted their commanding officer.

"Look! I can't believe it! Buzz is fighting with us! He has come back!" Booster yelped.

"Something has returned him to his own!" Mira squealed.

"Still he's doing his own theme music and sound effects?" XR rubbed his helmet in wonder. "Well whatever. Good that cap is at least _becoming_ A-OK."

Buzz literally ran on the hornets, hopping expert somersaults in the air. _Thunk! Whack! Zonks!_ More and more robots turned to garbage as he smacked them broken, the aiding laser blasts of XR, Booster, and Mira chopping also those like ripe salami. The rangers were advancing the Base's control center, which was blocked by the biggest and meanest slayer technology.

"We should get this thing handled somehow! The hornets are too many!" Nova shouted.

"I'm on the way to form a plan, just need some time..."

"Use the force, Buzz!" Commander Nebula's voice rang out of nowhere. He was on the other side of the command deck, desperately trying to do carrot salad out of the droids all alone.

"The Force... yes, that's it! Brilliant! We're gonna defeat them!" Lightyear yelped with a grin, "Team, go help the Commander! I'll handle this! To infinity and beyond!" He jumped leapfrog over a few lack-brained robots and reached the big, round and red button right outside the control center. It had a warning with large, friendly letters on it: "_Do not press_".

"Eat the Turbo Force of the power sucker!" the Captain hit the button with a virile fist. Out of the blue, a loud whirr filled the battlefield ether. The hornets stopped abruptly, as if being frozen by an early and very chilly winter. Then, the gravity field of the generator rotors vanished. Every bravely combating ranger missed their instep support and began floating in the just-formed void.

"What's this? They stopped all d---bliblibliziuumh..." the light also in XR's AI chip ceased. Mira and the rest blankly shifted gazes. Buzz victoriously ventilated up there, perhaps even more smugly than as the newly-baked Mister Galaxy winner a few hours ago. "Now! Let's go people and get this thing back! Evil will never win as long as a few good rangers are still around! Your jetpacks should still work, we're gonna defeat Zurg _manually_. Yeah. Just like zip it." For a second, he rubbed his cleft with a pondering look. Something was wrong concerning him. "Oh yea. I kinda feel like I was again doing that swimsuit tour in that blasted contest. Anyone seen my space suit?"

"Commander, what was that thing?" the Tangean asked the old man who was fluttering nearby.

"It's a power shutdown option made for real-time Red Alert training, the LGM's installed that whatsoever-itchymizer a few weeks ago. Enables sorta energy hoover inside these very walls, which sucks the electric power from everything, even from the enemy devices. Easy to reverse and easy to get the energies back, but while that sucker's on, it also nicely extends its hoovering outside. I bet that stinkin' bunch bowl head with his purpleness is starting to miss some competence out there too." 

After the top hat-trick, it was indeed rather easy to push His Imperial Loser away. No droid worked, no mecha was there to undo the spell of the power sucker. Buzz Lightyear had used the force well. Even a skilled Jedi Master would have been proud of him. The Dreadnaught, its sinister name already scaring little kids to hide under their beds, had neatly lost stamina. Darkmatter's shiny triangular vessel was all just a slack lump of alloy endangering the delicate ecosystem of the lifeless vacuum.

Indeed, what had happened to that half-robot jackal? After he had beaten up the Shakespeare imitator, he had found nothing interesting at the base. Assuming that the hornets would take care of the minor blockheads, he lazily had scooted back to the warship. To sit down, snigger, watch the live show, have an automatic back massage, and to measure whether his bicep had grown more bulk in the middle of the hard actions. However, the Dark Padawan had to fall to the mercy of his jetpack, as his every-little-boy's-dreamship had no kick any longer. Swoosh, and he cursing darted to his Master's vessel -only to find out that he was being blamed of Buzz' recovery and put to kill moths with flyswatter in Zurg's spare robe closet. Hence, the Dreadnaught had swept back to hyperspace. 

And thus once again the Galaxy was saved. The villains were shooed back to their shire and Buzz was able to fancy the gleaming, glittering gold trophy sitting in his shelf. The paraphernalia of gentleman-goodies he had his wardrobe full, he hardly ever would use. Though... the protagonist could not perfectly understand why he in the most private corner of his mind wanted to start using full-time that purple sweatshirt, which had the letter 'B' sewn on it with golden silk. Somehow that letter had such a _glorious_ and _harmonic_ form... However, mostly he was back on the Good Ol' Buzz. No more beauty contests or mushy poetry. The ranger was back to defend the universe and ready for new adventures.  

Back on Planet Z, the atmosphere varied rather much depending on person. Warp could not comprehend why the Emperor kept complacent simpering and rubbing his hands together although none kind of advance had been made on the fields of evil conquering work. And Darkmatter was furthermore sour and resentful due to Buzz' victory.

"Why does it always have to be that pigeon-brained mollycoddle Lightyear that gets all the hype? Why he? Why always he! Evil is supposed to be so much more profitable!" he stormed around the throne room of Zurg's palace, while the royal himself hummed gratified on his seat. "My fan club is languishing in tears! Next year I'll get a triple prize in the Mister Galaxy contest! I'll be even the both Crown Princes if I say so! I'll..."

"No, Darkmatter", his Master's voice reached him with a boom. "You shall not take part of it next year. _I_ shall. I am going to be the representative of my glorious Empire."

The blue muscleman's face twisted with utter confusion. "YOU? But... bbb--- I am the most handsome man of Zeta Quadrant!"

"No you are not! _I am!_ Now go away before I will put you in the bubble of torment because of insulting my glory and might!" Zurg shook his fist to the cringing lackey, who soon dashed out of the door. As being alone, the Emperor opened up a locker placed on the armrest of his throne, picking up a large handheld mirror. In front of it, he evaluated the gorgeously gallant features of his helmet. "Ahh, definitely. If my boor-wit son can win, thus I can win too! Oohahahaa! With this marvelous toothy smile I shall enchant everyone!" he took a mile-wide grin with the grill, smoothing the healthily purple, metallic mask cheek with a clawed fingertip. "Ahh every dandy girl shall swoon when seeing my attractive helmet smiling like the anime chibis! Ruhaurrhahahaa! I rule!"

**The End.**

Now, please press the review button and write me a mile-long complaint letter about putting everyone absolutely OOC and bashing the greatest hero of the galaxy. In case you try to sue me, I can of course generously donate the prosecutor my old senior high math books written in that gibberish mother tongue of mine that no reasonable person can understand. Thanks for reading and good night!


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